


His Father's Son

by justheretobreakthings



Series: Voltron Bingo [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Set early in the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 21:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16166909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justheretobreakthings/pseuds/justheretobreakthings
Summary: Keith's near-deadly error on a mission leaves him wondering whether he's worthy of the title of 'Guardian Spirit of Fire'.





	His Father's Son

Keith stiffened as he heard footsteps approaching the med bay. He did not want to see anyone right now. He had waited for the med bay to clear out before coming in to watch the cryopod specifically for that reason. After that disaster of a mission, he had simply gotten Lance to Coran as quickly as possible and taken off to his room to be alone.

No one had come after him for a while, and even then it was only Shiro knocking at his door, asking if he was doing all right and if he could come in. Keith hadn’t opened the door, though, and Shiro had given up eventually.

Keith couldn’t stand to be around the others now, not when he knew how upset they must be with him.

He braced himself and turned toward the doorway to see who the footsteps belonged to. Within moments, Allura had entered. “Ah, Keith, there you are.”

Great. Keith couldn’t read Allura’s expression. It didn’t look angry, which was a relief, but it didn’t look happy either. He sighed and turned back around to stare at the cryopod again. “He’s still stable,” he said flatly.

“I assumed as much,” Allura said. Keith heard her taking a seat on the steps next to him, but he didn’t turn to face her. “Coran said he should be perfectly fine by the time the others have finished their sleep cycles. And scarring should be minimal or non-existent.” She paused, and she fidgeted where she sat before adding, “I’m a bit surprised you’re still in here.”

“Didn’t think I’d be worried?”

“That’s not it. It’s simply that last time Lance was in a cryopod, you still got some sleep like the others did.”

Keith lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Yeah. Well. Last time wasn’t my fault.”

Silence reigned for several ticks in the med bay before Allura cleared her throat. “Keith,” she said. “I know that I was a little… harsh, at the time, when I saw what had happened, but – ”

“It’s okay,” Keith cut her off. “You – you were right to be.” With a sigh, he crossed his arms over his knees, leaning forward to rest them there. “I fucked up. In your shoes, I would have yelled at me too.”

“I didn’t ye– well, all right, perhaps I did. I hadn’t, er, I hadn’t meant to, though. I’m not angry at you, Keith.”

Keith raised a brow and finally turned to face her, to see Allura watching him with an expression he couldn’t quite read. “You’re not?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t angry at the time, either, not really. I was more… shocked. I’d never seen you freeze up that way before.” Keith looked away again, ducking his head in embarrassment as Allura continued, “And things were intense, and then when Lance got hurt – ”

“I’m sorry,” Keith interrupted again. “I – I just – I’m sorry. I know, I choked, and I didn’t get to Lance in time, and now he’s – ”

“And now he’s recovering admirably, and I’m sure he wouldn’t blame you for his getting hurt.”

“But it was my fault. Why wouldn’t he blame me? For that matter, why don’t you?”

Allura paused, for long enough that Keith turned to look at her again, to watch and wait for a response as she kept her lips pursed uncertainly, eyes on the ground, before she quietly said, “After we debriefed, Shiro told me about your father. And… what he did for a living.”

Oh.

“So… does that mean he told you about how he…?”

“How he died, yes.”

Keith took a deep breath. “That… that wasn’t for him to tell.”

“He was hesitant to do so. But he seemed to feel that, ultimately, it was necessary to ensure I understood the situation.” She cautiously leaned forward before saying, “In light of everything, it’s perfectly understandable why you would have frozen up the way you did.”

But Keith shook his head. “No, it’s – it’s not. I’m supposed to have gotten over it. I thought I had.”

Allura frowned. “What do you mean?”

It took a moment for Keith to reply, as he needed to find the words, and when he did, his voice was just above a mumble as he said, “After Dad died, for a long time I was, well, really scared of fire. Like, way beyond the point where it’s reasonable. _Any_  fire freaked me out. Flames on gas stovetops, candles – anything. The first foster home I was put in, I couldn’t even set foot in the living room because they had an electric fireplace. They never even used it the whole time I was there, but just the fact that it was present was enough.”

His hands were in fists where they rested on his knees, and he began running his thumb over his index finger in agitation. He kept his eyes on that as he continued, “Obviously it, uh, it had to be dealt with. My social worker and the first couple sets of foster parents set up this, like, exposure therapy thing, where I was supposed to gradually get used to being around fire without panicking. Start small, with, like, watching candles and stuff. Slowly work my way up.

“I, um – I guess it worked. Sort of. After a while I wasn’t bothered by fire anymore, but instead I was sort of, like, fascinated by it. It was, uh – I guess some wires got crossed at some point along or something, ‘cause I sort of ended up going the opposite extreme. Being scared of fire was bad, so facing fire was good and brave. And I liked, um, you know, feeling like I was being… good… and brave… so if I just kept being around fires, then…”

He sighed. “Got some pretty nice little burn scars out of that philosophy. Things sorta came to a head when I, um, I stole one of my foster dads’ cigarette lighters when he wasn’t looking. I never did anything bad with lighters, just would make the flame and watch it, but – but I’d only ever used grill lighters before. So, I, uh, I went behind the backyard shed to hide while I tried to figure it out and… long story short, um, about half the shed burned down, I was pulled from the house, and I got ‘pyromania’ added to my profile.” His thumb went still and he laid his hand flat on his knee. “They buckled down on the counseling, and – and I thought it had worked. I thought I was over all of that.”

Swallowing the tightness that had started to form in his throat, he looked back up at Lance’s cryopod, his face forlorn. “I guess I was wrong.”

He stared at Lance’s unconscious face, mind making its way back to the mission from only vargas ago. To the settlement they were protecting against the sudden raiding Galra ships. To the buildings below becoming collateral damage. Him and Lance being directed to get down to the ground and help the citizens evacuate. Lance running into that building ahead of him as Keith stood rooted to the spot, staring after him. Lance on the comm saying he needed assistance.

The flames getting higher. Voices shouting his name over the comm. The wall collapsing in flame. Keith finally moving, but he had waited too long, had frozen for too long, it was too late –

Because Dad was in there, he was in there when it fell, and he couldn’t get out, and everything was so hot and so bright –

“Keith!”

Keith blinked. He refused to look at Allura, didn’t want to see her expression in response to him freezing up like that twice in the same day. Instead he just mumbled, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Allura said softly.

“How is it okay?” Keith asked, a sudden edge in his voice. “I can’t get over my own stupid personal issues, and someone winds up nearly burned alive because of it. It’s not okay. It’s – it’s – ” He sighed. “It’s ironic as fuck, is what it is. The ‘Guardian Spirit of Fire’ is scared of fire. What a joke.”

He propped his elbows onto his knees to rest his chin in his hands. “Allura,” he said, voice soft and just a little muffled by his hands’ placement, “I know you said the Lions would inherently know who to pick for their paladin, that there’s some magic bond they’d pick up on, but – ”

“If you are about to suggest that the Red Lion selecting you as her pilot was in error,” Allura cut him off, “Then I’m going to have to disagree. The Lions know what they are doing, far better than we do.”

“Yeah, but nothing is perfect. Nothing is completely infallible. There has to be a possibility that the Lions could be wrong, right?”

Allura paused, searching gaze locked onto Keith. “Is this just about today’s mission? I’d hardly think a single mistake would be enough to get you to doubt Red’s decision.”

Keith shrugged. “Well, I mean – it’s not like this is the first time I’ve screwed up. Just the first time another paladin nearly died because of it.”

“I see,” Allura said. She took a long breath and set her hands onto her knees, an imitation of Keith’s posture. “Keith, I fear that Coran and myself may have given you an unclear impression of what a paladin is meant to be.” Keith raised a brow, inviting Allura to continue. “I know I have touted them as being the universe’s greatest pilots, practically idols, but – but they were not perfect. They never were. Not even…” Another deep breath. “Not even Alfor. They made mistakes. They learned from them, and made fewer as they went on, but they were never without fault.

“Voltron was not created to showcase perfection, Keith. Valor and loyalty are its core, and overcoming errors is far more important than not making them at all. Yes, you froze today.” Keith winced, and Allura hastened to continue. “But you also  _un-_ froze. You brought yourself out of it and kept going.”

She touched Keith’s shoulder lightly to get him to turn to her. “The Lions know their pilots well. Red no doubt is aware of your… difficulties, with fire. But if she’s letting you pilot her all the same, then I assure you, it means she believes you can overcome them.

“And Keith,” she added, “This whole incident does not make you any less of a paladin. You are not the only one who has ever ‘choked’ in battle, as you phrased it.”

Keith shook his head. “Shiro’s only ever frozen up during training. He’s never screwed up during an actual mission.”

“I was not referring to Shiro.”

Keith furrowed his brow in confusion before realization hit. “Wait a minute, are you saying…?”

“You’re not the only one who’s lost a father in a terrible way.”

As much as Keith wanted to drop his gaze, he couldn’t bring himself to look away from Allura, not now. “I – I’m so sorry,” he said in choked voice. “I almost forgot you – God, I didn’t – ”

“It’s quite all right,” Allura said with a little wave of her hand. “You oughtn’t feel guilty for having your own grief to deal with. I only bring it up because I want you to know, I understand. I’ve lost loved ones to battles in this war, much like the ones we often fight as Voltron. When I find myself faced with a sudden and glaring and violent reminder of something I’ve lost, it can be nothing short of terrifying. Enough so that I sometimes freeze, sometimes can’t think. Fortunately Coran has proven himself quite adept at bringing me back down on those few occasions where it’s happened, although that doesn’t mean I haven’t found myself breaking down again after the fact.”

“I – I didn’t know,” Keith said. “That you – that you were – ”

“Well, it wasn’t really something worth sharing up until now,” Allura said. “Now let me ask you this: do you think that I’m any less worthy of piloting the Castle of Lions now that you know this?”

“Wha – no, of course not!”

Allura nodded. There was nothing more to be said on the matter.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, eyes on Lance’s cryopod, before Allura softly spoke up again: “I’m sorry about your father, Keith.”

“Thank you,” Keith mumbled.

“It sounds like he had a very frightening job. Very difficult. You must be quite proud of him.”

Keith nodded. “I am, yeah.”

“Your job is very difficult and frightening too, you know.”

Keith was silent, filling in the blank himself in his head. Beside him Allura stood up and cleared her throat. “Anyway, Keith. I didn’t know your father. And, admittedly… I still don’t know  _you_  all that well either. However, if ever this is something that you need to talk about, then, well, I hope you don’t feel that you can’t come to me. It could be therapeutic.”

“I’ll, uh… okay. I’ll keep it in mind. And, um, same goes for, uh, for you, with your dad,” he added hesitantly. God knows he probably wasn’t the greatest paladin to have a conversation with, but this was a common ground only they had.

Allura gave him a small smile as she nodded. “Thank you. Get some sleep, Keith. I assure you, Lance will be perfectly fine and ready to irritate you to his heart’s content by morning.”

Keith let out a little snort and stood up. “For once, I don’t think I’m dreading it,” he said, casting the cryopod one last glance before following Allura out.


End file.
